Damage Continues as Hurricane Mimsy Churns Through Homes

Franklin, IN (12/26/02) – Damage estimates mounted this week as Hurricane Mimsy moved northward to devastate homes in central Indiana. This increases the destruction to three homes in two states since experts began tracking the storm last August.

Origins of the storm remain a mystery, but the first records show Hurricane Mimosa (Mimsy for short) wreaking havoc on Town Lake Animal Center in Austin, TX. Vague reports from center personnel and veterinarians imply that she arrived at the shelter with a litter of kittens and an irritable temperament. One veterinary report completed shortly after her arrival lists her as “a hissy momma.”

More detailed notes begin on August 25 when the storm left the center behind and turned its devastation on an apartment complex in the Arboretum area of northwest Austin. Here the storm remained stationary for a few months as it dismantled the apartment home of resident Meg Gotshall.

Gotshall reports that the vast extent of the damage involves the annihilation of various papers and thin plastic bags. This evidence stymies experts, who say that this type of storm normally ravages carpet and upholstery. “I know it’s strange,” Gotshall said, “but it’s probably for the best. I’d much rather lose a sandwich bag and a few rolls of toilet paper than a piece of furniture!” Like other storms of its kind, Mimsy has also left a sizable trail of cat hair in its wake.

In addition to the property damage resulting from the storm, numerous injuries have been reported as well. Gotshall herself recounts a number of scrapes and scratches, but Gotshall’s boyfriend Lucas Natraj tells of more serious wounds. Exposing a sizable cut on his lower forearm, Natraj expresses his exasperation at the storm, but remains positive. “I think it’s forgivable,” he says, “but not very.”

Though the storm frustrates its victims, they reveal that its lulls are amazingly pleasant. “The damage is extensive,” Gotshall says, “but when Mimsy is calm, she’s wonderful to have around. She can be so cute sometimes!”

Austinites aren’t the only ones reeling from the storm. Recently Mimsy moved northwards to Indiana where she began tearing up homes in the small town of Franklin. There she continued her tirades, reducing Christmas wrappings to tiny scraps and shreds. However, the destruction wasn’t as bad as in Austin. Experts speculate that Mimsy’s wrath was subdued by being in a new and strange environment.

Forecasters predict that shortly after Christmas, Mimsy will change direction and move south, return once again to Austin. “I’m sure she’ll be glad to be home,” Gotshall said.

Middle Easterner Found with No Ties to Terrorism

Austin, TX – Local residents made an incredible discovery last year, finding an intact non-terrorist Middle Eastern man. Twenty-five-year-old Lucas Natraj was discovered working as a contract software engineer [or, according to the Texas Society of Professional Engineers, working as a “programmer,” “software developer” or “guy who holds an engineering degree and could code you under the table any day but hasn’t taken our exam and thus is not an engineer”] at the Austin office of oilfield service expert, Schlumberger.

Natraj, who comes from Bangalore and holds an Indian passport, was born in the Middle Eastern country of Bahrain, a small island off the coast of Saudi Arabia. There he lived with his family until the onset of the Persian Gulf War, when the family returned to India. Back in India, Natraj attended a British boarding school before attending university in Bombay. Following his graduation he took a job with Infosys, a renowned software company. In May 2002, an Infosys contract with Schlumberger brought him to Austin, where he has been living since.

With the country’s war on terrorism and the Bush administration’s Iraqi tiff, benign Middle Easterners have become quite rare. In a time when everyone from shoplifters to local vandals* are accused of having ties to Al Qaeda, an innocent person from the Persian Gulf seems an impossibility.

The federal government appears to support this idea further as it begins implementing its Special Registration program. Bahrain appears alongside Afghanistan and North Korea on an INS list instructing people in the US from those countries to complete a registration process including an interview, photograph, and fingerprinting, and to notify the INS immediately if they plan to travel abroad or change residence while in the country.

Some question the validity of the find, believing that such a person cannot exist. The family of Meg Gotshall, who currently holds a claim on the find, makes jokes about Natraj being a terrorist, and even gave him a ski mask among his Christmas gifts. Gotshall herself, however, has no doubt in her mind.

Such a rarity is undoubtedly quite valuable among collectors. Other non-terrorists from the Middle East have been auctioned off on Ebay for as much as $3.7 million,** but Gotshall rejects the idea of parting with her find. “He’s the most wonderful person I’ve met, and he’s very special to me,” she said. “I have no intentions of giving him up.”

* A newspaper reporting on the vandalism of a construction site at a park in north Austin last fall was careful to mention that authorities did not believe the incident was linked to Al Qaeda.

** Okay, not really.

New Weight Loss Solution

Lose Over a Pound in Less than 20 Minutes!

Austin, TX (01/09/03) – When 23-year-old Meg Gotshall walked into a local hair salon in early January, little did she know that she would walk out weighing substantially less.

Gotshall’s hair at the time measured nearly three feet from root to tip, and as was her standard practice, she intended to trim a few inches off of the bottom. “The ends were becoming quite unruly,” Gotshall said. “I was having a difficult time keeping it untangled.”

Deciding to have a substantial amount removed from the end, Gotshall visited a nearby salon during her lunch hour and told the stylist on duty that she wanted five inches removed. “Normally I only cut two or three inches in one sitting, but it was so long that it needed significant therapy,” she explained.

However, as the stylist prepped Gotshall for the cut, she began to reconsider her choice of a simple blunt cut. “My hair is long, and it’s pretty,” Gotshall said, “but it’s also rather boring. I started to consider a little variety.” Thus, she accepted the stylist’s suggestion of adding some layers and angling the cut a bit in the front.

Initially, the original five inches were chopped off, and then the rest of the cut began. The stylist trimmed the front a bit higher, and Gotshall felt a tinge of remorse as a few more inches of hair fell to the floor. “Naturally I felt a little bad about it,” she said. “After all, I’ve been letting my hair grow for over five years now. It’s quite a time investment.” She silently reassured herself, and the cut continued.

Soon, a few more inches fell, and Gotshall began to become rather nervous. “I began silently praying, ‘No more. Please don’t cut it any shorter!’ but I trusted that it was going to turn out all right, and I didn’t say anything.” When the ordeal was over, the strands in front that once fell to her waist would now barely brush her shoulders. “I was in shock,” she recalled. “I hadn’t expected anything quite so drastic.”

After the first few minutes passed, Gotshall began to recover, and her spirits were continuing to improve as she left the shop. “The first thing I noticed after the initial shock was how light it felt. My hair had weighed a lot, and this felt so much better! It’s amazing how much a pound of hair pulls at your scalp, especially when it’s wet!”

In the days following, Gotshall extolled the new style. “There are so many things I can do now that were virtually impossible before! Aside from being able to run a comb or my fingers through it without hitting new snags, I can sit forward in a chair without it being caught behind my back; I can go to bed without putting it up in a bun; I can wear a ponytail and not get a headache. It’s like a whole world has opened up!”