Corporation Dabbles in Cruel and Unusual Punishment

Austin, TX – Administrators at an unnamed technology center in Austin, Texas recently began experimentation in the lost art of torture. For no apparent reason, center management implemented a scheme to remove every Coke machine from the premises without warning.

Electrical, computer, and software engineers make up a large percentage of the center’s population, and few of these people can function without this life-bringing elixir of sugar, caffeine, and soda water. When the machines disappeared, a veritable riot ensued with helpless engineers scouring the campus for working machines. One frightened employee even drove to a nearby fast food establishment to quell her carbonated craving.

After carefully considering the results of the experiment, officials concluded that the implementation of cruel and unusual punishment in the workplace causes a severe drop in productivity. A few days later, the machines reappeared, but with increased prices. When asked if this was a second, subtler attempt at torture, managers refused to comment.

Local Woman Finds Interesting Ways
to Plummet Into Lake

Austin, TX - For two weeks, local resident Meg Gotshall has been practicing falling into Lake Travis. Originally intending to learn to water ski, Gotshall soon found that she had a tremendous natural talent for plunging into the lake in some of the most interesting ways.

Throughout her first few attempts at skiing, she repetitively crashed face-first into the water. Although she quickly became quite skilled at this art, it soon proved less than entertaining. "It began to get old after a while," she said. "There’s no variety in constantly belly-flopping into the water. Besides, I kept ending up with gallons of water up my nose."

After a short break, Gotshall gave things another shot. This time, she managed to break out of the face-first belly-flop routine and found that she had a knack for falling other directions as well. "Once I was able to start standing up on the skis, it opened up a whole new realm of possibilities," she said. Among her new talents were falling over sideways and flying short distances over the water before finishing with a modified version of the original belly flop. The most impressiv e of her new skills was a magnificent backwards tumble, causing her to land on her bum. "As awesome as that one was," Gotshall said, "I don’t think I’d like to repeat it. There’s a certain level of discomfort that comes with water pulling my bathing suit upwards at 20 miles per hour."

The following week, Gotshall returned to the lake to practice her new hobby. However, things didn’t go quite as well. Rather than repeating the terrific spills of the week before, she stayed standing on the skis. "There were a few triumphant accidents, but there were also times when I didn’t even fall," she said. "I guess I need some more work." Gotshall believes that unfortunately the more she practices, the less often she’ll fall. "I guess the magnitude of tumbles like those is related to beginner’s luck,” she said. "I think that by the end of the summer my belly flopping days might just be over."

Employees Move to and from Same Office

Austin, TX (06/26/01) - After weeks of deliberation, a day of packing, and an hour of cleaning and reorganizing, Schlumberger interns Meg Gotshall and Amy Davis learned that they would not, in fact, be leaving their shared office.

Due to reorganization of the surrounding department, rumors began circulating that the two would have to give up their office during the move and would move to the cube farm across the hall. Two cubicles would be empty after the current group moved out, and common opinion was that the two women would move into them.

Locking themselves in their office, Gotshall and Davis struggled to ignore the ruckus surrounding them as the iGeoFrame group moved out and the ITSourcing group moved in to the nearby offices. Flustered utilities employees scratched their heads as Davis explained that the two had heard nothing about moving, especially since the iGeoFrame employees had been told a full month beforehand.

The following day, an updated report arrived that the two would move instead to a vacant lab down the hall. Although not as comfortable, the room was quite large. Utilities workers spent a full hour thoroughly cleaning the lab and clearing out old equipment, leaving the room virtually spotless. Davis and Gotshall packed all of their belongings into boxes, took down posters, and prepared to move.

However, just as their phone extensions were being transferred to the new room, they received a report that they would not be moving after all. The two were confused but relieved and quickly left for a celebratory lunch to avoid the utilities people who had just spent such a great deal of effort setting up the move. Following lunch, the two unpacked their things and settled back into office D2.121.A.

Blue Men Face Jarring Defeat by Rods of Red

Austin, TX (06/08/01) – The Schlumberger Building D Blue foosball team suffered a startling loss to the Building D Red team Friday afternoon. Despite outstanding athleticism by all 13 blue plastic figures, the red team was victorious in the third and final game of the afternoon series, crushing the Blue’s chance of a perfect 3-victory sweep. “I know we still won the match,” one blue plastic player said [translated from Foos by a team of local experts], “but we would really have liked to win all three games.”

As the Blue players wound down from fatigue, the Red foos men kept going strong, bringing their team a much-deserved victory. The coaching team for the Red team, made up of offensive coach Amy Davis and defensive coach Bill Ramsour, put up a strong fight throughout all three games. Davis’s semi-illegal “Spinning Rods/Jaws of Death” offense sent the ball flying past Blue defensive lines on many occasions, while expert passing by Ramsour’s defensive players kept the entire Blue team on edge.

When asked about the loss, Blue defensive coach Meg Gotshall was quick to claim her share of the responsibility. “Part of the loss was definitely my fault,” Gotshall said. “We were too busy working on our lateral passing, and we let the ball slip into Red rod territory a few too many times. However, our defensive players are definitely starting to get the hang of things.” Blue offensive coach Ashmi Wadhwani was relaxed about the loss. “We played the third game simply to give them t he chance to win one.”

None of the four coaches put much blame on the players. “They played the best they ever have,” one coach remarked. “After all, how much can you expect from a plastic peg with no legs.”